I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
