Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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