apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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