yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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