im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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