Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
