I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
accomplished twins. life is a go
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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