she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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