he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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