My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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