What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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