is your mom at the bar?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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