Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
