Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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