I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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