Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
