I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
