It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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