I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
