True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
