new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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