my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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