What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
