I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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