We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
