You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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