as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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