Nicole vs. Life
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
