I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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