i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
