i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
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walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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