I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
