I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
