dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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