I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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