my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
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I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
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Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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