Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
