my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We had sex on a dog bed..
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
