Dude my mom stole all your condoms
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
