I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
