walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
