The maid of honor just puked.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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