Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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