Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
