Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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