I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
