I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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