I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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