I will die if light touches me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
