there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
