Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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