my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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