You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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