I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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