My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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