if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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