my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
